November 2023,

The start of the Asian express and it does not stop! So the trip was actually a return package which I modified, I do this a lot as you will come to see in the near future, instead of coming back and fourth, il just tell you about everything that happened in Thailand in this chapter! Seems easier. Some time ago a friend of mine would not stop talking about Asia in particular Thailand, its the greatest place this, the women that! So I thought id accept that challenge and see it for myself. I started with trusty ‘LoveHolidays’ again, to see what kind of prices I was looking at and to my surprise incredibly cheap ‘considering its the other side of the world’ I mean. 14 nights in Bangkok including flights and hotel £800, now i’ve heard of people spending close to 2 grand for flights to Asia never mind both for under one, obviously love holidays was the choice because of the free interest instalments, which when I started was the previous November, so around £80 a month which is insane when you think about it. ‘You’ll also start to pick up, I already know and start paying for my next destination 12 months in advance.’ After about a week of booking the package I started to look through ‘sky scanner‘ for internal flights and again to my surprise couldn’t believe the prices, I assume its kind of similar to finding cheap flights from UK to Greece or Italy but were talking £20 to £60, so of course that was it, I am no longer just going to Thailand its a south east asian tour! I looked at the best days to fly but still within my 2 week package holiday, I didn’t want to necessarily have less days in a country to save myself a whopping fiver or have a better flight time for double the price, so this took some planning.

I always use the notes app on my iPhone and Mac this way it updates itself when I am pissed up or get some mad idea, I can then start to do some more research into it, now when I say I use notes this is incredibly detailed, it plans out the departure times to arrivals, the hotels and distances, the things to see at day and night, the excursions and costs, the streets to drink and not to drink on, I mean everything, I am a pretty organised person but don’t always follow it as such. I find if I have an itinerary I don’t have to follow it but it gives me a good kick up the arse in the mornings to get out and do it, especially now 14 days in Thailand turned into 4. As I said earlier il leave the surprises as to where my next adventure is for the following chapters this is purely about Thailand! My flight with KLM set off midday from Birmingham Airport and arrived in Schipol Amsterdam around 330pm. This was the first ever layover flight I had been on and heard some annoying scenarios with bags or delayed flights etc, flying in a package holiday i.e using the same airline both ways helps, its a lot less complicated if you do miss your layover flight, as the airlines are able to communicate and they get you on the next one out, this didn’t happen and touch wood never will but its still reassuring. As for the bag situation I just take a similar looking bag to a travellers backpack, removed all the unnecessary clips and holsters and take minimal clothing, shoes etc I found most places you go to will have a towel, if not buy one for £1 and leave it, for the sake of over £100 the airlines charge to have an extra bag and potentially lose it on the layover flight made no sense and still doesn’t to this day in my opinion.

The flight went fine, no problems at all you can get up walk about, you have live tv channels and the latest movies in each seat, they also have a little handheld controller which you can play independent games on or watch something else, its good! I would recommend trying to get a window seat myself, don’t mind aisle but if you have a pisser next to you you’re fucked. Theres no visa to apply for but there is an entry card which has to be done online, I say has to, theres QR codes in the airport you can scan and do, but its much easier to sit on the plane and do it then, on arrival you hand your card over, I didn’t have to worry about waiting for bags etc so straight out into the absolutely baking hot humidity sunshine. I must be honest Asia hits harder than any other airport i’ve stepped out of and you’ll come to find out why Asia is the greatest continent on the earth, heard it here first. Anyway theres plenty of taxis outside the airport waiting, I gave the location to the driver and off we went, the hotel was about 5 mins away from the airport, perfect for airport access and avoiding delays if you’re moving on ‘like myself’ but Bangkok is a big old place and to the city centre it can take up to an hour through rush hour traffic etc, there are trains but unless you’re next to the stations they don’t tend to be much help, now the taxi from the airport cost me about 10 pounds which I thought was pretty expensive, so here’s a tip, the go to app is ‘GRAB’ its the same as ‘Uber’, does food deliveries all sorts but more importantly you can see exactly what you should be paying, so if you then want to haggle with taxi drivers you can! Similar to UK taxis they all compete with each other for your custom.

from bar to bar each one with an unbelievable view, well mostly roads at this point but in the background huge skyscrapers, massive golden buddha statues just incredibly different to the usual. As the night draws in I headed for the big city, at this time it was pretty straight forward getting into the centre, cost me about a fiver in a taxi and thought id jump out in china town, it didn’t disappoint, the lights, colours, people, noise, the smells you cant focus on just one thing its amazing. I took to the street food vendors and there are hundreds on every corner you turn theres someone selling something that smells incredible, I recommend trying it all whenever you possibly can, I went for the duck and noodles, the shrimp tom yum, morning glory stir fry and you can wash them all down with a Chang, a Singha or my favourite a Leo but in truth they’re all so good! The more I started to drink the more confident I got to try other things, so I did, grasshopper and scorpion on a stick, most of these can be found by the world famous Khao San Road, its 24hrs of bedlam and attracts all sorts of people! Believe me when I say all sorts!

It is all about live music, good food and of course the drinking. Whilst walking around the area of the grand palace you’ll notice lots of temples and they are spectacular especially at night lit up. Once you’re in the centre the best way to get about and the funnest is ‘the tuk tuk’ world famous if anything, brilliant little three wheelers painted and decorated in bright vibrant colours, some even ringing out loud music, there are hundreds and you will not miss them, they are fantastic fun, cheap and mobile to avoid traffic. Theres quite a lot of modes of transport once you’re in Bangkok, they have river ferries, Ubers, Grab taxis, tuk tuk’s and trains so plenty of options. Now, I said this was a pretty ‘PC’ blog and cannot go into too much detail but I may have hit Khao San Rd a little too hard, I met some people, enjoying spirits, beer towers, cocktails they were great company, but one thing I 100% remember is being put into a taxi stumbling around early hours of the morning, lost my jacket, vaguely remember throwing up on it in the toilet, I am also 99% sure I threw up in the taxi on the way to the hotel as all of my cash vanished ‘assumed I gave it to the driver as a sorry’. As the great saying goes Bangkok had me and spat me back out. Bravo Bangkok well played. Its pretty safe to say I took the next day ‘a lot’ easier… wow I was bad, checked the bank balance for the damage and to my surprise wasn’t all doom and gloom, I started to think back what these people could’ve done and been like to a tourist they probably get all the time! They must be sick and tired of it and could’ve easily just let me fend for myself in the street haha but thats not what Thai people are like, you’ll come to find out how nice they really are and not just the ones serving you beer or checking you in to your hotel, just people on the streets, they smile, wave and are interested in your story.

remembered what happened the last time I got carried away, so I jumped on my phone and booked an excursion for the next day! Obviously through ‘getyourguide‘ of course, I grabbed a taxi ie ‘Grab Taxi’… back to the hotel and had a quiet night. I needed to get to a meeting point back in the city centre near the river, there was loads of busses and mini busses waiting, tour guides of all languages rounding everyone up, it was chaos tbh, but once that was sorted we were off. The first destination for today was the ‘Damnoen Saduak Market’ otherwise know as the ‘floating river market’ and this was AMAZING, we pulled up in what looked like any other side of the road market, dirt tracks, some small stalls, but then it turned into something out of a water park, we queued up in 4’s to jump into these long wooden boats where somebody would then row for you, as we headed out of this hut like building and started turning left, you could see loads of other boats, some selling fruit and veg, some selling antiques or souvenirs, there was also stalls either side selling drinks and food, there was even a man with a monkey and snake if you wanted to have a picture, It was bedlam, if you wanted something from a particular boat, they would race towards you knocking others out of the way, smash up against you and start dealing it was very surreal, this is all whilst you’re still moving down the river, I really cant describe it. It was like a lazy river but with shops, I couldn’t tell you exactly how long I was on it for or what direction we were going but we ended back at the starting point, we were then told to go do our own thing, where you could now walk back to the areas of the shops and food stalls on the sides of the river, there was plenty of pedestrian bridges so it was very easy to get around. I just stood there admiring everything with a Chang in hand.

The people are unlike other countries when trying to sell you something, they are not pushy or rude, if you want to be left alone in peace to browse the shop, no problem, they would just put their hands together and bow in front of you as a sign of appreciation for looking, incredibly polite people. I browsed all sorts of things I didn’t need, the food looked and smelt good and as I walked from one side to the other, I would grab a Chang or Leo and just watch the world go by, it was safe to say I was over my first night in Bangkok and ready to go again… After a bit of liquid courage the next thing I am doing is paying the equivalent of £3 to have some huge boa snake wrapped around my neck, yep where all good ideas start, beer and snakes. Now I am assuming this happens ‘ALL’ the time, I mean surely there would be an uproar if huge snakes are squeezing the life out of people, so thought I would give it a go. You hear the rumours about snakes are heavy, light, slimy, rough I mean I can answer most of them, they are bloody heavy! well this one was anyway, the guy took my phone told me to stand over there and started taking pictures, he then told me to grab the snake in different ways, try to kiss it, hold it above my head, I mean a lot of trust went into it from his point of view but also my own, just a man handling a snake that was twice the length of me. To say it was an incredible experience is an understatement, it was honestly amazing! came away from it with such a smile on my face, unsure how the snake felt tbh but it was awesome.

the trust that goes into the locals, or the tourists allowing the train to scrape their noses as it goes by. The Maeklong station is the end of the line, once it stops you get off and the other tourists get on, like a cattle market. The guide gives you a meeting point and a time and thats it, you simply couldn’t walk through this market and the back alleys whilst being spoken to, its too busy and far too manic. They tell you a time the next arrival of a train is and you would try and get into position, I would reccomend at least 20mins before, I found a bar no bigger than some bathrooms and then sat on a foldable table on the tracks, just watched the world go by. All of a sudden every shop owner, cafe worker, passers by start to pull all of their goods inside, the canopies are rolled back, tables and chairs pushed to the sides, within a couple of minutes a train is scraping your stomach, well ‘in my case it was anyway’ its a pretty surreal moment to be honest, your videoing the train whilst people video you on the train and within seconds of it passing the procedure starts again, the shop owners spill their merchandise back onto the track, fully knowing in 5 mins they’ll have to do it all again. You don’t have to feel obliged to buy anything of course and nobody here is pulling you into their shops, but you imagine how many times they do this a day, yes its a massive catchment area for tourism but its a HUGE effort just to sell their merchandise whilst constantly looking out for the train, theres no ‘I need to nip to the bathroom’ if that train is coming and you haven’t got your tables or canopy in, thats it. Goner! Really is crazy to think about it in that way. I spent about an hour here and apart from the train and the shops on the tracks the rest of it is just any other market really. So had some beers, bought some local cuisine etc and got back on the train for the journey back to the bus. I think the trip lasted about 10 hours in total but for how much it cost, its 100 percent worth it. To experience two VERY different markets, one on a river one on a train track, is an absolute must see and do for all.

The next day I flew out to my next destination (see following chapters), but as I mentioned earlier this is about Thailand! As the hotel was technically booked for the whole duration of my trip, I simply left some of my stuff in the hotel I didn’t need, gave my key to reception and told them il be back in 12 days, they were a little confused by this, mostly because they wanted to know for your safety, but they were very helpful understood the assignment and when I arrived back in Bangkok, keys were handed back to me, nothing missing and bedroom cleaned. Perfect! My last day I didn’t really have anything planned, but there was a city not too far from Bangkok on the coast and I think most people would agree its a must visit, for a night at least. I booked a Grab taxi and also scheduled with the driver for a drop off and pick up same day. Pattaya! It is the go to place for parties and drinking and the infamous lady boys ! Now, it’s taken me a long time to get to this point I am sure you were all wondering. Around Bangkok I have got to be honest I didn’t really notice many, maybe thats the point haha. Anyway well get back to that, I arrived early in Pattaya around 10am, id say it was about an hours drive from Bangkok so not too far or expensive by taxi, I started pretty central and asked the driver to drop me to the ‘Great Gold Buddha’ at the highest point of Pattaya and it is an awesome sight, the temple, the shrine it was fantastic. You may notice most shrines and temples have a long serpent like creature which acts as the bannisters to the stair cases, ‘Nagas’ as they’re referred to, said to be a multi headed serpent that guards the temples, theres so many stories and religious beliefs in this part of the world.

Its safe to say I did spend a fair few hours there, I am a sucker for a massage, especially Thai… As the sun started to set I started to wrap up, showered in a public rest area got changed and headed back to the strip. I stopped in some of the indoor markets again to grab some basketball tops, trainers etc its just so god dam cheap I had too. On the strip they also have lockers, you pay about a fivers worth to store clothes or your shopping etc in them for as long as you want, they really do think of everything! I headed to Soi 6 again and jumped in the first bar/club, you can tell they don’t really get going until midnight but its still amazing. I sat at a high table watching some basketball and another person sat opposite they over heard me ordering a beer in English, he then asked if he could join, of course no problem. He was of similar age and found out after some time talking he was from Shrewsbury but lives in Australia, I have family in Australia so there was a bit to talk about, he was apparently on holiday with a girl he met in Colombia, but he was sick of her already so decided to leave her in the hotel and come out on his own, haha. Safe to say we got on like a house on fire and pleased to say I am still friends on instagram. After long talks mostly sport and bullshit as we men do, we decided to hit the strip together. As you walk along the strip at night the bright lights strike your eyes, the women… dragging you into their bars etc its like Ibiza x100, I mean this, you think Europe hot spots is carnage its absolutely nothing on Asia, We tried everything, the strange shows, the brothel bars pretty much everything you had to say you’ve experienced once in your life in Thailand. We walked past one of those old carnival like games where a clown sits on a chair above a box of water and you have to hit the target to make them fall in, but instead of a clown it’s a naked Thai woman. As I said Carnage! We ended up in a bar with a load of pool tables, now we dive back into the ladyboy experience, they’re everywhere at this point. And yes most of them you could tell by a country mile, we found it all very amusing tbh, some wanted to play doubles on the pool table which was fine, few drinks etc, but some of the Thai women are women and they are incredible, I mean incredible! It’s easy to see why the majority of ‘MISS WORLDS’ come from this side of the world, incredibly attractive. The one started to take interest and walked over, at this point we were in no mood tbh but still entertained her, my new Aussie mate asks how do we know your a woman, so she gets her passport to show… na were not having it as were in tears laughing, so she proceeds to lift her dress up and start playing with herself ‘hahaha’ as I keep saying Thailand is ‘CRAZY,’ tbf she was correct it wasn’t a ladyboy but at this point were just in tears and breaking down, whilst the whole bar looks on as if it’s any other day. Absolutely no harm came from this and apparently we were told in Thailand especially tourist catchment areas they ‘HAVE’ to tell you if they are a ladyboy or not, its law, most likely unofficial but still. So when you hear those mad stories of people getting someone back to a hotel etc and they turn out to be a ladyboy, they knew all along what they were doing! Thankfully thats not my cup of tea but don’t be put off walking around these places because of it, it’s an absolute great laugh and part of the experience to see them trying to drag tourists into bars and claim drinks.

Time flies whilst you’re having fun and thats exactly what happened, I delayed my taxi driver long enough and said my good byes and wished my new Aussie mate a safe journey home! At this point I was knackered, and pretty drunk, how I remembered by locked away goods I don’t know, kudus for me there but I slept the whole way back to the hotel in Bangkok. Thailand was my first real experience to how the other side of the world live, my gateway drug to Asia you could say, and you’ll come to find out… I am completely and utterly hooked on it! I could honestly go on even further into my experience in Thailand and I only went to two cities really speaking, theres so many more to visit and don’t get me started on the islands, I can guarantee you right now this wont be the last chapter on Thailand, its just too good and the people are too nice. It’s incredibly easy to see why people just wrap up and move here from all over the world, it has everything to offer.

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